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“Not my time to wonder why- everything's gone white and everything's grey.Now you’re here, now you’re away.I don't want this, remember that.” - Bush, “Glycerine”
As I have recently mentioned, people often talk about Job and his suffering and patience and so on, but I still find that many such people do not know what they’re talking about.
I have started reading the Book of Jeremiah, and, just by reading the summary, it seems that he had a much worse time of it than Job.The comparison is pretty clear.
For starters, Job was rich and well-blessed, somewhat advanced in years, with tons of property and a big family before God allowed what happened to him.Jeremiah was a young guy when God tapped him, he claimed he was too young to do the duty.Job had a long and happy life- Jeremiah started out in duty.
Job’s suffering was, relatively, short.He sat and complained a lot, and he argued with his friends that he had no idea why he was suffering, but, for that and all, it did not last long.And he got everything back and then some, living much longer than normal.Jeremiah worked from start to finish, was thrown into prison, exiled, some accounts say he was killed.Nobody listened to him; God even told him beforehand that they wouldn’t listen.
The only positive for Jeremiah was that he had heard it from God, and knew what it was all about, and Job did not hear from God until the end of his suffering, and then, really, all he got was, “How can you be critical of me?”
Can you imagine, then, going through your life, knowing that these people were going to not listen, yet you had to hear and know everything that was going to happen, all the disasters that were going to befall your people?And you tried to warn them, and for that you were persecuted?How on earth could anyone deal with that?But he did.
And what do you get for all that?People remember Job and forget Jeremiah.Ain’t that always the way.Rich guy has a bad time and makes a comeback, and they fall all over themselves.Working man suffers from dawn til dusk, and they ignore it from start to finish.
On, possibly, my last weekend in Richmond, I've been thinking. Too much thinking, really. I've been here for right about two months, only a little shorter than I was in Minneapolis the first time. As opposed to that time up north, I've my own apartment, I've seen much more of the city and surrounding area, and I've pretty much been at my leisure on most things. So why does it feel like I've not done anything?
For starters, I've been out of work for a month of that time. Been doing light work here and there to try and keep stuff above water, but, if we don't win this show and I have to go back to Missouri, I'm going back about two grand poorer than I was when I came here. Odd, since I came here to MAKE money, so I could pay my taxes. For another, while I was in Minneapolis, I was dating a good bit, and, while I met my usual set of psychos, I did have a couple who were worthwhile. This time has not been so promising. Women in Richmond have a much worse habit of just vanishing. Take the chick from earlier this week. No, I will not tell that tale once more.
But, to continue.
Life is, all in all, pretty much miserable right now. It has its ups, but they are few and far between, my only positive is if we can win this race. The national field director job that wants me to move to DC only pays 34,500 a year; how can you live in DC on that little?! The New York gig pays 38, but that's still not exactly perfect for NYC. The immigration thing is still up, and they'd likely move me to NC, so...
All else, it's back to MO and finish grad school. I have four years' experience, perhaps an MA would finally help my career.
I don't much like Virginia, or, at least, I don't much like Richmond.
I may have said this before, I don't know.
I have a ten year high school reunion coming up, and I am determined to miss it. It's not that I disliked my graduating class, I just don't really care about most of them. That's terrible, I know, but I realized why I felt that way after looking through the website they've started about the reunion. There are old pictures, starting in 6th grade and going through senior year, and the same people are in all of them. The same crowd of "preppy" (I think that was the term we used back then) people who were the athletes, the popular ones, the bourgeoisie of high school life. I did not dislike most of them, mind, but I did object to their clique as a whole. They dated within that clique, they hung out within, and so on. So now I look at the pictures they've posted, and I see... the same thing. The rest of us might as well not have existed.
Oh, I did things in high school. Campaigned to get soda machines put in, got that done. Went to nationals for debate and DECA. Did a number of other things, and I'd wager my contribution was greater than most of those. I don't dislike them, please don't think that- it's not against any of them, it's against the general anonymity that the rest of us dealt with. Most of them are parents, some of them are married, most aren't. Most of them never got very far from the hometown.
I don't want to go back because there will be no pleasure in my life to see those people. Oh, sure, maybe one or two of them would be sort of cool to catch up to, but it will feel just like it did back then.
"Hey, guy-I-vaguely-remember." "Oh, hey. How've you been?" "Meh, you know- work a lot, make decent money, two degrees, live all over the country. You?" "Oh, you know- same old." Looks away, yells, "Hey, other-sports-guy, remember that kegger we had, senior year?"
I admit, if I had a supermodel wife or was making enough to look extremely well-off (or preferably both), I might consider going back (is that shallow?) to prove something, but what am I going to say? "I'm still happier that I'm me than you." I have nothing to prove, and no desire to catch up to these people. Oh, there are two or three that I wouldn't mind seeing, but I have no idea if they'd even be there, or if they would, if they would want to see me. Yes, fear does play a factor in my decision making. For example, one such female and I recently re-connected over facebook. She's quite attractive, even after all these years, she's single, with a daughter... but what the hell do we have to talk about? We don't have mutual memories, don't have many similar interests...
That's another of those fears- I remember a few people from back then, and I thought, surely they're going to be successful, good looking (that's either gender), so on... and they vanished into the ether. So what happens if they come to the reunion? At BEST, they fulfill expectations. Or else... they're like everyone else, baggier, saggier, and so on. Not what I'm looking for.
But I know if I'm back there, I'm going. It will be inevitable. Maybe I'll get the girl I was dating when I was back last time to go with me... it would be better that way, but better still... no, no sense in those pipe dreams. I go to things like that in the vain hope that it won't be as bad as I expect. And I don't think it will be quite as bad as I'm making it out to be. I fear it will be incredibly mediocre. Excitingly average, at best. We'll all see one another, realize that most of us have peaked and we're now faking it (yes, Grosse Pointe Blank line, that), some of us might even exchange phone numbers or email addresses and never call or write. My opinion? I'd just as soon say, hey, why bother faking it? We both know that neither of us is going to put the effort forth, so why should we lie about it?
I am not in the best of moods, can you tell?
I have not had a very good day, and tomorrow doesn't look to be much better. Not that bad things are happening- it's just that NOTHING is happening. I didn't like the last job, but at least it put money in the pocket. Now I have nothing to do and little money to spend.
An ironic moment- a job posting for which I am qualified came in this evening. Field director for a mayoral race in Houston. A former boss of mine is the campaign manager for a rival campaign. CONFLICT! I went ahead and applied- no sense in worrying over it until I get the offer.
The length of this blog is due in part to my general lack of attention to Xanga over the last few months, coupled with the fact that people who may be going to that reunion (or else may be connected to such people) read my other blogs, but I am relatively certain that they don't read this one. And if they do, well... honestly, if they pay attention, I am flattered, and mean them no disrespect.
"Hi, this is James. For one reason or another, I did not answer the phone, but if you'd be so kind as to identify yourself and why you're calling, I'll prioritize my response accordingly, and might even get back to you. This does not constitute any sort of verbal contract committing me to call you back, and please note that calling and leaving the same message repeatedly is not going to make my response any more expedient. Calling from someone else's number because I didn't answer yours constitutes harassment, and I will take appropriate action. While I understand that my occasional lack of timely response might cause some of you to wonder, I would like to remind you that, were you truly worried, you would be calling the police and hiring investigators to hunt for my abductors or body, whichever would be appropriate, instead of growing angry with me. Unless you are one of the three people whom I hate, I hope you have a peaceful morning/day/or evening, whichever should apply."
